DOING LAPS

Okay, summer is here and sadly the pool invites to your favorite adorable moochers so far have been light. Just want to point out that if you are interested in having this charismatic swim team grace you with a visit to your pool, then you MUST extend the invitation. Now your presence is not necessary when we visit but you must make arrangements for our entry beforehand. If pool passes or necessary keys or entry instructions are not left for us, you will miss out on the opportunity for Team VFH to visit.

Synchronizing your wishes to be so honored by our lithe bodies plying your cool waters on a hot day, we will happily document our presence and post on this blog. Of course If you wish to remain anonymous we will respect and just send you a picture of our lissome bodies relaxing at your pool via email. Now, if you plan on ALSO being there at your pool we WILL pose for pictures with you, but the limit is two (2) separate pictures.

We will do this all for you for free. We promise to provide our own towels, but expect leisure flotation devices to be available.

SIZE MATTERS

Now unfortunately in the past some invites were a bit sketchy. We once had to contend with a kiddie wading pool and these certain devious people, who will remain nameless here, ALSO had their kiddie in the pool! How unfair is that? We honor them with our presence and when we did a cannonball we displaced ALL the water in the pool and it took a while to fill it back up. So to make sure our valuable time is not wasted we must insist all future pool invites must include a photograph and we will get back to you as soon as possible.

SLIDING SCALE

Future kiddie pool invites are not to be automatically excluded though. There is a sliding scale of accoutrement available to you lucky hosts. Here is a small list:

POOL TYPE                                     EXTRA INCENTIVES REQUIRED

Kiddie:                                Fill the pool with beer/tequila. Steaks on the grill 

Standard Amoeba:            A six pack, or margaritas, sandwiches will be okay

Olympic sized:                  A couple of tepid PBRs and/or a warm bottle of water, chips

Working Hot Tub:             We’ll bring the wine

So, summer’s here. If you want the Mooch Mariners to swim at your pool, you’d better send that invitation.

Hope your summer is going swimmingly. Thanks for reading....Remember to send those pool pictures to: greg.dunaj@yahoo.com

WE'RE GETTING LEI'D

Team VFH may be cheap, but we know how to travel well. Often we are forced to take great delight in destinations closer to home as our cheapness rules the day. For this we are extremely grateful. As world travelers our love for far flung destinations had caused us to be dismissive of sites that were close to home for their familiarity offered no alluring reason to visit and explore. Secaucus or Philadelphia will never be as alluring as Paris or Sydney we thought. How easily we were able to overlook the joy and beauty that is in our backyard and this endeavor, now in its fifth year, has given us many more happy experiences than expected. Too often our travels insulated us from family and friends as we would just “flit” off to somewhere else, but friendships and familial binds combined with finely honed mooching skills has given us a great new appreciation of what we would have considered the “mundane”. We have rediscovered the radiant beauty of the girl next door.

 

Aloha

Okay, are you buying this? I’ve just compared Secaucus to Sydney, Philadelphia to Paris. Yeah, sure there are things to do or see, like the Dragon Boat races along the Schuylkill River or renting kayaks to explore the Hackensack as it meanders through Secaucus. And, truly what did Socrates say? “See one promontory, and you’ve seen them all.” An old timer engineer at ABC said of the people of Sarajevo when I was there for the Olympics, “they’re just the same as us, they just talk funny.”

True everywhere lives are lived and though the vistas may be more alluring elsewhere, they all offer something. The best part of all these “cheap” years is we’ve learned to slow down and see the beauty around us. Rather than having to go over the next mountain like that bear in the incessant children’s song seemingly never satisfied, we’ve stopped to explore our neighborhood. But in between all these lovely little trips to discover nuances of where we live or rediscover the joys of our neighborhoods Team VFH likes to plan these side trips and we throw open our pocketbooks and fleece our coffers. This year, we are going to Hawaii.

We will visit three islands. We fly into Honolulu mid-July and we will stay on the North Shore near Haleiwa, Oahu for three days, before a week at a resort in Lahaina, Maui and then on to Hilo on the Big Island for another week. This is Janet’s first trip to this beautiful place and my seventh; the last time for me was in 2001 to run the Honolulu Marathon. Everyone should visit this place and I wanted Janet to see its beauty for herself and I, selfish, wanted to return. There are few places in this world that I feel like I belong, that I pine to return. The serenity that is Hawaii, her Aloha spirit calls me. 

But, you may ask what's all this talk about being cheap? Fear not, we will not go nuts in spending money. Hawaii can be cheaper than you would expect, that is once you get there. Come back, we'll tell you. 

The Etiquette of Mooching

One may decide to live without, but when surrounded by amenities already paid for by friends, like pools or boats or vacation homes, one should figure out how to tap into this pipeline of luxurious afternoons. After all, why allow these resources to lay fallow? Whether you are a tightwad or are truly strapped for cash, friends with such toys are a priceless commodity and should not be ignored. Indeed, these cherished friends should be cultivated and nurtured.

Don’t be shy in pursuing your mooching goals.  Please remember that these amenities are often status symbols for the owners and they would like nothing better than to shove their wealth and good fortune in your face. This obviously makes the mooching process easier and will work in your favor. Let them have their fun as they flaunt their avarice and toys. Smile warmly, ooo and aaa appropriately, gush aglow at their kindness and charm them into thinking they are without a doubt your most favorite host…and then ask where they keep their Belvidere vodka.  

Yes, mooching requires a bit of humility and a lot of charming smiles and at times a zipped lip. Ignore the wide distance between their ability to spend and your unwillingness to match it and ask them if they need another beer from their poolside wet bar. But, arrogance does not work for long for either the moocher or the moochee. Servitude for an extended period wears thin and abrades.  Never let your most gracious host debase or insult you; never tell them they are extremely fortunate for your company, without a sly smile! Yes, both the moochee and the moocher need to have a mutual feeling of wellbeing. You gain from their gain and they gain from your gain.

So, this dance, of idle afternoons and riotous parties, of twirling and spinning and mooching and scheming sounds calculated doesn’t it….  What do you think? Without proper planning and effort on your part, the opportunity will pass onto someone else… someone less worthy? So, what can you do as charter member of Vacations From Home, where no opportunity to mooch is overlooked, to cull these precious invitations and cheap thrills.

First off, and most importantly, be interesting. Always be a viable option for your “friends”.  Try to be accomplished at something, hopefully noteworthy. If you invent something like Velcro or cure cancer, think of all the invitations you’ll receive. Try to be charming and witty, quick with the pithy comment and the compliment and you will surely ingratiate yourself into their sphere of invites. They will want you around.  

Second, be handsome or beautiful. Everyone wants to be seen with arm candy. This should be you! If you’re not good looking, you’re kinda outta luck. Of course you might be able to make up for that ugly mug with some charm, but please, don’t expect much. If you’re fair to middling in the looks department you must be height/weight proportionate. No one wants to see you pull a chair up to the buffet table.

Thirdly, make investments in your friends. Hedge your invitations by offering to pick up a bar or meal tab once in a while.  Sadly, we can’t be THAT cheap. Bring a six-pack to the pool party and not Meister Brau. Wolfschmidt vodka is never an option. Even though you’re in the game to get invites you’ll better your chances if you’re not perceived simply as a taker or, ahem, a mooch. Parting with some of your money will mask your intent somewhat, and besides your generosity may spur your hosts to “one up” you and lavish you with even more “things”.

A word of caution is needed here. Sometimes getting that invite requires a waiting game. Don’t be anxious and never pester or beg. Oh, you’ll liable to get that invite if you do beg, but that would probably be the last one. It’s that killing the goose and the golden egg bit. You want to preserve the pool/beach/lakefront home – open refrigerator – open bar – friendship that you’ve labored over, tended lovingly and charmed. There should be no worry if you have laid the right foundation. If, gasp, the invite does not come, you just have to suck it up and maybe spend the day finally sweeping your kitchen floor?  Even in defeat though there is opportunity and if it was a glaring oversight by your potential hosts and they offer you an apology, graciously accept it with no hint of bitterness. 

Remember to cast a wide net for mooching. Opportunities abound and if you don’t get that boat ride, think pool, or beach.  The mountains work in a pinch. Be flexible, work the phones and get your butt to the gym.

So, there you have it! Sounds simple? Summer is starting soon, so get out there and get that invite!